The Fear of Being 'Selfish': A Challenge for Women

If you find it difficult to care for yourself while also looking after others, you’re not alone.

I've never heard a male client -or other men, come to think of it- tell me they felt selfish or were afraid of being selfish. That should tell you a lot: that women are taught that their role is first and foremost to meet others' needs. Duh...you say. Sure, when you hear it out loud, it's not surprise but it is the consequences to women's lives that tell the tale. That is, when women don't just strike out to do something that appeals to them, we think first about how it will impact others. Plainly said, this holds us back.

If you have been a mom, this will sound familiar: when you want to go out with a friend and you have a toddler -or even a teen- you don't ask permission, per se, but a woman makes sure that their partner is willing to step in as primary care taker or in loco parentis. Moms say something like, “I'd like to go shopping with Judy this Saturday, will you be able to take care of the kids?” Fathers, in the other hand, usually say, “I'm going fishing with Paul on Saturday.” Period. We just fill in the breach.

This is so prevalent that many women don't even know what they want. People come to me recognizing “I'm a people pleaser” or saying “I don't know what I should do.” The point being they don't know if it is even ok to want what they want because -god forbid- it may impact somebody else. But what I find out is they usually don't even know what they want, that they have learned long ago to bury their wants. So I teach them how to figure out what they want by teaching them to ask themselves the question. That alone, can take months.

Step 2 is banishing the word “SHOULD” - what an awful word, the source of so much guilt, which is at the root of burying wants. Clients tell me a story of some hurt or challenge and then say, I don't know what I should do. It almost NEVER occurs to them to replace the word SHOULD with the word WANT.

Try it: I don't know if I should get a part-time job or not.

Becomes: I don't know if I WANT to get a part-time job or not.

How amazing to think we are allowed to answer the question this way. The control, power and self-efficacy that comes from a simple word substitute can be life changing. Do I want to? Do I want this? It can also be overwhelming, when one has lived life focused on whether and especially how doing so will impact somebody else.

I have made it my mission in my own life to follow Gloria Steinem in giving greater, in fact wonderful, priority to pursuing wants -doing Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions, to be ME and let them figure out their own shit.

This can be particularly hard if you're navigating transitions such as the loss of a partner, a job change, or an empty nest – even contemplating moving abroad. More in a future blog post about this.