The Art of Saying ‘No’: How Independent Women Can Embrace Boundaries with Confidence
Saying ‘No’ allows you to say ‘Yes’ and mean it. This is going to be the fun part where I help you make a ‘NO’ cootie catcher - remember them?
But first, the skinny: we women have been taught to ‘give in’ more than to stand up to and set boundaries. As Ghandi said, “Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” Oh, and we give that permission over and over again, and wonder why others’ don’t respect our dreams and wishes, much less why they don’t anticipate them.
It isn’t just women, of course. Men clients have similarly shown that somewhere along the way they learned that their opinions and feelings don’t matter. Everything I say here is just as applicable so, guys, go for it.
Let’s make that cootie catcher and I will show you what I mean. Think of the most recent moment when you gave in or compromised without even thinking of arguing or suggesting an alternative based on your own needs. It doesn’t matter if the other person is male or female.
While doing so, make a cootie catcher - use plain paper but maybe something colorful, but not stiff like construction paper. No need to make this complicated or leave it for that favorite time: 'later.' It’s not about art, really, but lets have fun with the foray into saying, “no, No, NO!” Here is a great little video to remind you or teach you if you aren’t familiar with the process:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XItn2izKj0
Now, let loose with thoughts of all the ways you could have or wanted to or might imagine saying, 'no.’ Don’t hold back; there isn’t anyone to judge or criticize you - be mean, funny, swear if like, be super polite or cute, whatever suits your fancy. But only say ‘no’ - leave out the excuses and explanations.
Why’s that? you ask. The moment you offer a reason, that is the open gateway to argument, where as often as not the other person will explain away and diminish your ‘no.’ For example, saying , ‘No I have to get some groceries,’ easily can be argued away with, ‘Oh, tell me what you need; I’ll get it on the way.’ See? A big, gaping hole the other person can jump into. Before you know it, you have said ‘ok’ just to end the argument, giving in again. I have recently heard this great trusim: ‘No’ is a complete sentence. Sure is.
Once your cootie catcher is complete, put the name of colors or numbers on the 4 outside tabs, then the opposite on the inner 4 - this is for the fun part. Then write the different ways of saying ‘no’ on each of the inner tabs, there should be 8. If you choose to edit yourself, this is your chance but, again, nobody’s watching. Complete? Ok. Go back to that situation where you wish you had said ‘no’ and offer the person the first two levels of choices -colors or numbers- to get to an inner tab - just as we did as kids. And presto-bingo, they get the real, honest answer from your heart. Well done. Do this for a few more remembered experiences and laugh just like with a MadLibs because some of these are going to be SO inappropriate…but feel really fun. This is the first step to reclaiming your ‘No.’
I am NOT advocating for actually saying ‘In a pig’s eye’ to your mother-in-law or best friend. YOU are giving YOURSELF permission to FEEL that and then, using your Wise Mind, you can come to a more kind version that is brief (full sentence thing, remember) and that both asserts your wish and the end of the conversation. No confrontation needed. That great fear is eliminated. No need for lies and excuses, just ‘no.’
The prize at the end. You have made a boundary - clear and effective. The joy in that is when you DO want to do whatever you have been asked to, you have left yourself the time and energy to say ‘yes,’ yes to the things that you value. And that is saying ‘yes’ to your feelings, saying to yourself and making clear to others that your feelings -that YOU- matter.
